"Whoever first said there is a light at the end of the tunnel is an idiot... I've never had the privilege of traveling with such extravagance. Yep... Wide open stormy or hot weather for me... I need an umbrella."
-latest Facebook status update.
I know I am no different than anyone else... we all have many struggles to our few successes. But the most difficult struggle for me has been my current. It's not because anything is particularly difficult. In fact it has to do with feeling stagnant. I have very little to do. I have had very few visitors (kinda hard to have visitors when they are all busy). I can't even get out of my house because I have no car to take me somewhere and the weather is too cold for me to take my little one anywhere. I have always been a busy person with extra curricular activities during high school, and too many classes and responsibilities during college. I never imagined I would be so tired of doing nothing. I went from doing it all to nothing. I only desire to caution all of you who feel as if being spread thin is a bad thing... Enjoy it, because it is a million times better than doing the same thing day, after day, after day, after day, after, well, you get the point!
Oh, and just as a little kick to this, the only break in my monotonous life will be getting my wisdom teeth removed in a few weeks!
January 24, 2011
January 21, 2011
Dreams, Dreams, Dreams, Dreams
Of late, my nighttime, has been filled with quite entertaining and wild dreams. The ghostly nature of dreams has always had a strange affect on the way I see life. Many of my fears come from experiences within dreams (I have no idea what this says about my living life). Believing... it's a trait I might suggest I have, and when I dream I believe (in the moment). Of course, there is a point where I steer myself away from this beliefe, and that is usually when I wake up in true reality. I mention this to provide understanding for why the following impacted me.
The beginning of the dream is of little significance to me, because it stems from a game I have recently been playing on the Wii. However, there is importance. The direction one plays when playing a game such as Donkey Kong or Mario (various versions) is from the left to right. But when I began the dream I was headed left. As it shifted to the more serious and impacting part, I retraced my steps, heading right and passed where I began.
The dream remained a game. I (whatever form I took- for I took many) began by coming to my first of many obstacles. I cannot recall all of them, but certain ones were quite impactful. The first one had me emerging from a garage-like hole, looking out over a quiet lake. I was supposed to continue by following the rock pathway to another door quite close, on my right. I could not see the door until I came around a corner. As I reached the peak of the corner and saw my goal a person appeared just out in front of me... he was not blocking my path and was familiar to me (I cannot remember who). We spoke, and our conversation was friendly, but when I wanted to continue my journey, the being began throwing stones at me (and a companion who joined me in my journey). I was surprised and in distress. I returned to the garage where I was safe from the pelting. It was there, my partner and I found some sort of bucket-like coverings to protect us. In our attempt for the door I was forced to journey into the water, although I was not keen on being wet. The buckets protected us from our fiendish friend and we were able to come through the door.
The next obstacle is more difficult to remember, but I have a gist of how it went. I entered a room that looked a lot like an elementary school theater; on the far end was a stage about three feet off of the floor. Between the stage and I was a group of people, one of which accosted me and demanded my love belong to them. My answer was a simple no, but the person felt dejected and sulked about. From behind me, something evil had followed me into the room, I hid on the ceiling where I was partially concealed. The creature of evil, whether human or beast, searched for me, but could not find me. My hiding place was only revealed because of the dejected lover who willing gave the creature my secure location. I began to run again.
Somehow I was placed on the top of a building. The structure was still located in the middle of water and had a sister building just to my right. I was experienced in what was going on and knew there was a challenge for me. I saw a wave of colorful water (not natural) start coming from the other building. I knew I had to get away from it. I dove off from my building directly and started swimming away from it. There was another person who was confused by the strange water and situation but followed me anyway. We both made it to land quickly and had no problems because we ran away early enough.
I then passed a truck with a couple that I knew and realized they had watched the entire thing. I announced that I hoped they saw how everything was done. There was no other interaction because I was then in a building where the couple was going to be surprised by family. I was upset, because I didn't feel they had learned enough...
This is where I awoke to my baby babbling over the monitor.
The beginning of the dream is of little significance to me, because it stems from a game I have recently been playing on the Wii. However, there is importance. The direction one plays when playing a game such as Donkey Kong or Mario (various versions) is from the left to right. But when I began the dream I was headed left. As it shifted to the more serious and impacting part, I retraced my steps, heading right and passed where I began.
The dream remained a game. I (whatever form I took- for I took many) began by coming to my first of many obstacles. I cannot recall all of them, but certain ones were quite impactful. The first one had me emerging from a garage-like hole, looking out over a quiet lake. I was supposed to continue by following the rock pathway to another door quite close, on my right. I could not see the door until I came around a corner. As I reached the peak of the corner and saw my goal a person appeared just out in front of me... he was not blocking my path and was familiar to me (I cannot remember who). We spoke, and our conversation was friendly, but when I wanted to continue my journey, the being began throwing stones at me (and a companion who joined me in my journey). I was surprised and in distress. I returned to the garage where I was safe from the pelting. It was there, my partner and I found some sort of bucket-like coverings to protect us. In our attempt for the door I was forced to journey into the water, although I was not keen on being wet. The buckets protected us from our fiendish friend and we were able to come through the door.
The next obstacle is more difficult to remember, but I have a gist of how it went. I entered a room that looked a lot like an elementary school theater; on the far end was a stage about three feet off of the floor. Between the stage and I was a group of people, one of which accosted me and demanded my love belong to them. My answer was a simple no, but the person felt dejected and sulked about. From behind me, something evil had followed me into the room, I hid on the ceiling where I was partially concealed. The creature of evil, whether human or beast, searched for me, but could not find me. My hiding place was only revealed because of the dejected lover who willing gave the creature my secure location. I began to run again.
Somehow I was placed on the top of a building. The structure was still located in the middle of water and had a sister building just to my right. I was experienced in what was going on and knew there was a challenge for me. I saw a wave of colorful water (not natural) start coming from the other building. I knew I had to get away from it. I dove off from my building directly and started swimming away from it. There was another person who was confused by the strange water and situation but followed me anyway. We both made it to land quickly and had no problems because we ran away early enough.
I then passed a truck with a couple that I knew and realized they had watched the entire thing. I announced that I hoped they saw how everything was done. There was no other interaction because I was then in a building where the couple was going to be surprised by family. I was upset, because I didn't feel they had learned enough...
This is where I awoke to my baby babbling over the monitor.
January 9, 2011
The latest Tron
My husband, father, and I went to see the latest instalment of Tron last night. I was particularly excited because I have always enjoyed watching the old 1982 movie. I was extremely excited as the opening scene and title played (lines create city streets and then camera rotates and "Tron" appears between skyscrapers). The story began great and as expected. However, I was greatly disappointed with the entire storyline, especially because Tron, the prior hero and significant character, was demoted to a simple demoralized role. Although I was not pleased with the story, I found great enjoyment in the techno music (film score by Daft Punk). I was also very pleased with the visual effects. Overall I wasn't disappointed, just unsatisfied.
December 30, 2010
Christmas Book Recomendation
During Relief Society last Sunday, our teacher forwent the concept of age, and read us a children's book. Oh how I love children's books! The book she chose was I Believe in Santa Claus by Diane G. Adamson. This book makes creative comparisons of Santa to the Savior Jesus Christ. I believe it is a wonderful way to teach children how Santa is a representation of Christ and his life, and teaches the purpose of Santa during the Christmas season.
March 8, 2009
Well... At least I'm letting you know!
It really has been forever, and I have been through a lot and I have not yet written much of it down. Right now I have a draft of a post about Zane's proposal to me, but obviously I cannot even get that finished! So I thought I would rewrite everything that has been going on in our lives now.
Zane proposed December 8, 2008 in the Cedar City Library. I was completely surprised because he had mentioned he wanted to check out the Divine Comedy and I had no suspicions that evening. After handing me an illustrated copy from the bottom shelf he tried to pull out the ring. I was going to give him the book back prematurely when he said, "Look at the angels!" I looked down at the illustrations again and thought in my head There are angels all over these pictures, why does he want me to look at them? When I finally put the book down, I was shocked to see him kneeling with a ring in his hand. He then used my full name and proposed. When his mother asked if I said yes Zane's reply was, "No. She said, 'Of course.'"
(This proposal came after Zane's courageous attempt at asking my father for my hand and
the news leaking out far earlier than we planned.)
We have made many preparations since then. We have a new basement apartment I have already moved into. It is a small (and sometimes smelly) place. I have had very little time to clean because I have had so much homework and work to do.
This last weekend I had the great opportunity to go to the Manti Temple for my first time, and it was wonderful.
I have had two bridal showers- both of which I will remember for a long time and am so grateful for everyone who came!
We have sent out the invitations and are now only six days away until we are sealed for eternity! I am so blessed to have Zane in my life and look forward to all of the time we will have together!
Zane proposed December 8, 2008 in the Cedar City Library. I was completely surprised because he had mentioned he wanted to check out the Divine Comedy and I had no suspicions that evening. After handing me an illustrated copy from the bottom shelf he tried to pull out the ring. I was going to give him the book back prematurely when he said, "Look at the angels!" I looked down at the illustrations again and thought in my head There are angels all over these pictures, why does he want me to look at them? When I finally put the book down, I was shocked to see him kneeling with a ring in his hand. He then used my full name and proposed. When his mother asked if I said yes Zane's reply was, "No. She said, 'Of course.'"
(This proposal came after Zane's courageous attempt at asking my father for my hand and
the news leaking out far earlier than we planned.)
We have made many preparations since then. We have a new basement apartment I have already moved into. It is a small (and sometimes smelly) place. I have had very little time to clean because I have had so much homework and work to do.
This last weekend I had the great opportunity to go to the Manti Temple for my first time, and it was wonderful.
I have had two bridal showers- both of which I will remember for a long time and am so grateful for everyone who came!
We have sent out the invitations and are now only six days away until we are sealed for eternity! I am so blessed to have Zane in my life and look forward to all of the time we will have together!
August 3, 2008
Top Songs in My Life Currently
1. Maneater- Nelly Furtado
2. The Middle- Jimmy Eat World
3. Calling You- Blue October
4. What's Left of Me- Nick Lachey
5. When it All Falls Apart- The Veronicas
6. Walking on Broken Glass- Annie Lennox
7. Apologize- One Republic
8. Rain- Breaking Benjamin
I know... it's a weird combination of music... but that's just how I am. These songs seems to comfort me more than any others right now so that's why they are on the top of my list. I just wish that I could play them over and over until I felt better, but we all know that is not going to happen. Maybe they will just help for the time being...
2. The Middle- Jimmy Eat World
3. Calling You- Blue October
4. What's Left of Me- Nick Lachey
5. When it All Falls Apart- The Veronicas
6. Walking on Broken Glass- Annie Lennox
7. Apologize- One Republic
8. Rain- Breaking Benjamin
I know... it's a weird combination of music... but that's just how I am. These songs seems to comfort me more than any others right now so that's why they are on the top of my list. I just wish that I could play them over and over until I felt better, but we all know that is not going to happen. Maybe they will just help for the time being...
July 31, 2008
I've won!
Well, here it is folks, my first blogger award, I would like to thank everyone who made this possible!
This Prestigious award was given to me by my wonderful cousin Christopher Clark whose blog can be found at http://www.elderclark.com/. He has some awesome things to say and has spent a lot of time in making his blog fun and informative for his mission in only four days! Read some of the stuff he's put up and enjoy the fab pictures of his sweet muscles!
So, there are rules to this award.
1. Post the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who nominated you.
3. Nominate 7 (or however many you want really) other people for this award and add links to their blog.
4. Leave a message for the people that you nominated!
******
I am going to begin by nominating another cousin... Casi! http://mama2nile.blogspot.com/ She is a new mother who has amazing writing skills! She also has the great talent of expressing her emotions from her life within her blogs, and many of them have even left me near tears!
******
Next, I would like to nominated another family member (they're the blogs I visit all the time!)... Royell! Royell is awesome at taking pictures and making sure that they go up along with her blogs! She focuses a lot of her blogs on the family and what is going on and that is awesome because she lives so far away. But I do not nominate her only for this, but because she has awesome writing skills that aren't usually seen on her blogs. She is one to write- or call- her family and check up on them! She sincerily cares for each person and has a way of making each one feel special through these notes or comments. Thank you! She can be found at http://adamroyellphong.blogspot.com/.
This Prestigious award was given to me by my wonderful cousin Christopher Clark whose blog can be found at http://www.elderclark.com/. He has some awesome things to say and has spent a lot of time in making his blog fun and informative for his mission in only four days! Read some of the stuff he's put up and enjoy the fab pictures of his sweet muscles!
So, there are rules to this award.
1. Post the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who nominated you.
3. Nominate 7 (or however many you want really) other people for this award and add links to their blog.
4. Leave a message for the people that you nominated!
******
I am going to begin by nominating another cousin... Casi! http://mama2nile.blogspot.com/ She is a new mother who has amazing writing skills! She also has the great talent of expressing her emotions from her life within her blogs, and many of them have even left me near tears!
******
Next, I would like to nominated another family member (they're the blogs I visit all the time!)... Royell! Royell is awesome at taking pictures and making sure that they go up along with her blogs! She focuses a lot of her blogs on the family and what is going on and that is awesome because she lives so far away. But I do not nominate her only for this, but because she has awesome writing skills that aren't usually seen on her blogs. She is one to write- or call- her family and check up on them! She sincerily cares for each person and has a way of making each one feel special through these notes or comments. Thank you! She can be found at http://adamroyellphong.blogspot.com/.
July 27, 2008
Growth where Growth is Undesired
Golly... I learn so many things so often that I should be more faithful when writing something here on the blog. Right now I am marveling (not with a- persay- good connotation) at how life can change so quickly. Never before in my life have I been so confused at what my Heavenly Father's plan is for me. I suppose I have know what it is, it's just that little upsets happen that turn me around until I am so dizzy I lose focus. It's amazing that it can change even from one day to the next.
Life, for me, has always been about learning and improving. I love to learn and I desperately want to improve myself. But these past few days have left me lost with what Heavenly Father would want me to learn. I was searching through all of my personal understanding to discover why I was so lost. But a good talk with my mom (bless her soul for putting up with me) set me in the right direction. I have been a very independent person, but I am learning now that I need to have more of my Heavenly Father's influence in my life. I need to allow his guidance to direct me. I guess I get my mind so set on the way I think it should be (and the way I think Heavenly Father thinks it should be) that I forget His influence and council. I am going to let him guide me more with everything that I do, but I hope things don't go completely astray from how they have been.
I also want to mention that the storm that rolled through today was helpful to me in more than one way. I love the rainy weather and could not be more thankful that it came when it did, but I also got to meet my neighbors, who I have neglected for so long! I am such a horrible person when it comes to being social- but I truly enjoyed getting to know them and hope to visit some time soon.
A special thanks is in order for my mother- whom I love with all my heart. The sweetie is going to come and visit me while I struggle through this trial, but I know that we are going to have fun while she is here!
This picture was taken outside during the thunder strom... it looked cooler in life.
Life, for me, has always been about learning and improving. I love to learn and I desperately want to improve myself. But these past few days have left me lost with what Heavenly Father would want me to learn. I was searching through all of my personal understanding to discover why I was so lost. But a good talk with my mom (bless her soul for putting up with me) set me in the right direction. I have been a very independent person, but I am learning now that I need to have more of my Heavenly Father's influence in my life. I need to allow his guidance to direct me. I guess I get my mind so set on the way I think it should be (and the way I think Heavenly Father thinks it should be) that I forget His influence and council. I am going to let him guide me more with everything that I do, but I hope things don't go completely astray from how they have been.
I also want to mention that the storm that rolled through today was helpful to me in more than one way. I love the rainy weather and could not be more thankful that it came when it did, but I also got to meet my neighbors, who I have neglected for so long! I am such a horrible person when it comes to being social- but I truly enjoyed getting to know them and hope to visit some time soon.
A special thanks is in order for my mother- whom I love with all my heart. The sweetie is going to come and visit me while I struggle through this trial, but I know that we are going to have fun while she is here!
This picture was taken outside during the thunder strom... it looked cooler in life.
July 11, 2008
BFFs
Friends are something I have not written much about and I feel that I should express some gratitude to some particular peeps. If there is one thing that I have learned throughout my life, it is that to have good friends, I have to be way lucky and blessed. It amazes me how fortunate I have been and there is no better way of expressing this than by either embarrassing them or by mentioning them publicly. So for the sake of keeping their friendship a bit longer, I will just publicly mention them!
Mavanie: I met Mavanie… well… um… a long time ago. So long ago, in fact, that I have no idea where in the world I met her at... probably school. All I know was that we were in the same kindergarten class and church ward. When we were little we had a blast doing all sorts of stuff, even if her older brother was tormenting her by pulling her hair. When I moved, she was the only friend that wrote me faithfully, and I still have those letters somewhere in my collections of papers. She was there for me when I returned to Utah and we have been great friends still. Of course we have had our ups and downs, but who said friendships were easy!?! We share many memories and most of them will remain in the secrecy of our journals. But I spent many hours with her working on the yearbook staff, enduring long bus rides, playing sports, heaving hefty weights, staying out to my eleven o’clock curfew, watching some flicks with friends, and just driving around doing anything that we could (because what else is there to do in small towns?).
Alex: Well, when I moved away from my hometown, it was just by pure happenstance that Alex and I lived in the same house. Her last minute decision helped me through my first year of college. Even if she stole me away from our sour tempered roommate, she definitely helped get me out of my shell. I don’t remember the day that I first met her, but there are many days that I can remember since. Alex was not one to remain idle… even if that meant we were completely crazy. She even helped discover some silly quirks about myself… hypnosis is NOT cool! She always was happy and could get anyone to laugh no matter how bad the situation was. We spent lots of time licking plates, finding creative uses for clothespins, doing handstands, braking shoulders (only her’s), visiting her family in a faraway country, making midnight runs to Wallies, and watching Alias.
Natalie: Well… I’ve known Nat for only one year. But I can tell you that in a house of ten girls it is wonderful to have a solid, down to earth, head you can converse with or laugh hysterically at t.v. commercials. It’s also very good to have someone who will drive you around in their very hot, very squeaky vehicle (clear to the stop sign baby!).
Nat was very good to listen to any stresses that I have had when I have had stress (I say it like this to keep my stresses secretive). Dinner and a good conversation are always beneficial to one’s health. She has been so giving and has spent a lot of time serving me by giving me rides since my lame-o car has not been working- one day I will get a card and be able to beat her to the cashier!
Zane: I have never met a person who can be as tolerable as Zane is towards me- even when I feel guilty over a fish he is willing to listen to me. His positive attitude is one that I can mimic in my own life because he is just always laughing at something or doing something crazy. There are so many other attributes of Zane’s that I hope to learn throughout my life; he is a great example, a hard worker, very energetic, positive, happy, good at listening, understanding, and truly a caring person. Perhaps it is silly to say but legos are probably the foundation of our relationship, but who doesn’t love building blocks?!? (especially when they are Star Wars). Just who he is amazes me and I wouldn’t ask him to be any other way than he is now.
So these are some of my many friends, but I just thought that I would give a shout-out to these ones who have influenced my life so dramatically. I love each and every one of them and pray that they will be blessed for their friendship towards me.
Mavanie: I met Mavanie… well… um… a long time ago. So long ago, in fact, that I have no idea where in the world I met her at... probably school. All I know was that we were in the same kindergarten class and church ward. When we were little we had a blast doing all sorts of stuff, even if her older brother was tormenting her by pulling her hair. When I moved, she was the only friend that wrote me faithfully, and I still have those letters somewhere in my collections of papers. She was there for me when I returned to Utah and we have been great friends still. Of course we have had our ups and downs, but who said friendships were easy!?! We share many memories and most of them will remain in the secrecy of our journals. But I spent many hours with her working on the yearbook staff, enduring long bus rides, playing sports, heaving hefty weights, staying out to my eleven o’clock curfew, watching some flicks with friends, and just driving around doing anything that we could (because what else is there to do in small towns?).
Alex: Well, when I moved away from my hometown, it was just by pure happenstance that Alex and I lived in the same house. Her last minute decision helped me through my first year of college. Even if she stole me away from our sour tempered roommate, she definitely helped get me out of my shell. I don’t remember the day that I first met her, but there are many days that I can remember since. Alex was not one to remain idle… even if that meant we were completely crazy. She even helped discover some silly quirks about myself… hypnosis is NOT cool! She always was happy and could get anyone to laugh no matter how bad the situation was. We spent lots of time licking plates, finding creative uses for clothespins, doing handstands, braking shoulders (only her’s), visiting her family in a faraway country, making midnight runs to Wallies, and watching Alias.
Natalie: Well… I’ve known Nat for only one year. But I can tell you that in a house of ten girls it is wonderful to have a solid, down to earth, head you can converse with or laugh hysterically at t.v. commercials. It’s also very good to have someone who will drive you around in their very hot, very squeaky vehicle (clear to the stop sign baby!).
Nat was very good to listen to any stresses that I have had when I have had stress (I say it like this to keep my stresses secretive). Dinner and a good conversation are always beneficial to one’s health. She has been so giving and has spent a lot of time serving me by giving me rides since my lame-o car has not been working- one day I will get a card and be able to beat her to the cashier!
Zane: I have never met a person who can be as tolerable as Zane is towards me- even when I feel guilty over a fish he is willing to listen to me. His positive attitude is one that I can mimic in my own life because he is just always laughing at something or doing something crazy. There are so many other attributes of Zane’s that I hope to learn throughout my life; he is a great example, a hard worker, very energetic, positive, happy, good at listening, understanding, and truly a caring person. Perhaps it is silly to say but legos are probably the foundation of our relationship, but who doesn’t love building blocks?!? (especially when they are Star Wars). Just who he is amazes me and I wouldn’t ask him to be any other way than he is now.
So these are some of my many friends, but I just thought that I would give a shout-out to these ones who have influenced my life so dramatically. I love each and every one of them and pray that they will be blessed for their friendship towards me.
March 26, 2008
Fear
I have a couple of things that I really am afraid of: running water (rivers and such), people (those creepy peeping toms), trains, and flying (I have never done it, but allowing myself to be trasported at such speeds and such high altitudes just doesn't interest me). Of course I know I have to get over most of these fears to actually live! I can't just stop using water- it's too vital. People- even the creepy ones- happen to inhabit the earth. I have to cross train tracks to get to the other side. Flying, however, will just have to wait. I have no purpose to go up there soon.
I realize my fears may help me decide some of my choices, but I have a hard time allowing these things to control how I live my life. Just this last weekend I spent a full hour inside the Hoover Dam worried about weather I was actually going to live through the experience. But look at how AWESOME that dam is! Look at how amazing it is that people can actually fly! Why do I fear the things I do? Why do I feel these things have to control my life?
Water scares me because of a personal experience that I share with select people. All I have to say is that it is powerful, and many people underestimate the actual grandure of it.
Oddly enough, most of my fears come from dreams. I had a horrible dream when I was younger about someone who was peeping into my window... I woke up right after I saw this person and never found out if he was hostile or not. It's really silly to think that this dream has affected the way I look at people. Not once in my life have I EVER had someone peering through the window at me (excluding the time my dad did that). The chance is still there, but what is the likelyhood that it will ever happen? Maybe it's just that one time that I fear... perhaps I believe all peeping toms to be hostile. I know some are not because I know some people that actually try to get a scare out of people. Luckily I have good friends that know better than freaking me out like that. Riley once scared me like this. He was just standing in the dark in a room that I passed. When I caught sight of him I screamed and ran for my bedroom. He literally made me cry by trying that out... He hasn't tried doing that since.
Another dream affected my fear of trains. I am suprised at this one though. This fear happened to come about only about a year ago. In this dream, someone died by being hit. Now every time I cross the tracks I worry that I will be hit. I look both ways, but I still feel as if a train racing at the speed of light may plow into me. Strange, it's just like a creepy concious fear.
Planes, well I can't complain much. I'm sure will have the unfortunate opportunity to get on one sooner than I would like. Although I greatly fear the idea, I'm sure it will outway the many hours it would take to actually travel by car and boat.
Even though I may fear something that others do not, people have their own fears. They may chuckle at the idea of a small creek freaking me out, but they probably don't understand the magnitude that I place water. These other people may fear something that I wouldn't even think twice about, but I have no place to laugh at another individual's fears. All I could ever say is that I have come to see my fears as something that could cause a threat, but I cannot allow my life to be dictated by such things. I am in total control.
I realize my fears may help me decide some of my choices, but I have a hard time allowing these things to control how I live my life. Just this last weekend I spent a full hour inside the Hoover Dam worried about weather I was actually going to live through the experience. But look at how AWESOME that dam is! Look at how amazing it is that people can actually fly! Why do I fear the things I do? Why do I feel these things have to control my life?
Water scares me because of a personal experience that I share with select people. All I have to say is that it is powerful, and many people underestimate the actual grandure of it.
Oddly enough, most of my fears come from dreams. I had a horrible dream when I was younger about someone who was peeping into my window... I woke up right after I saw this person and never found out if he was hostile or not. It's really silly to think that this dream has affected the way I look at people. Not once in my life have I EVER had someone peering through the window at me (excluding the time my dad did that). The chance is still there, but what is the likelyhood that it will ever happen? Maybe it's just that one time that I fear... perhaps I believe all peeping toms to be hostile. I know some are not because I know some people that actually try to get a scare out of people. Luckily I have good friends that know better than freaking me out like that. Riley once scared me like this. He was just standing in the dark in a room that I passed. When I caught sight of him I screamed and ran for my bedroom. He literally made me cry by trying that out... He hasn't tried doing that since.
Another dream affected my fear of trains. I am suprised at this one though. This fear happened to come about only about a year ago. In this dream, someone died by being hit. Now every time I cross the tracks I worry that I will be hit. I look both ways, but I still feel as if a train racing at the speed of light may plow into me. Strange, it's just like a creepy concious fear.
Planes, well I can't complain much. I'm sure will have the unfortunate opportunity to get on one sooner than I would like. Although I greatly fear the idea, I'm sure it will outway the many hours it would take to actually travel by car and boat.
Even though I may fear something that others do not, people have their own fears. They may chuckle at the idea of a small creek freaking me out, but they probably don't understand the magnitude that I place water. These other people may fear something that I wouldn't even think twice about, but I have no place to laugh at another individual's fears. All I could ever say is that I have come to see my fears as something that could cause a threat, but I cannot allow my life to be dictated by such things. I am in total control.
March 10, 2008
Brain Damage
Hola world!
I have not written in a very long time about something that is on my mind or whatnot. However, I have been coming to view myself in such new light, and have been having such a hard time with life, that I need to say something- anything- or else I just might go crazy.
I have come to realize that it is important to be balanced in your life. I have no balance right now, and because I am trying to balance it out I keep loosing control and whack my head on the ground a lot. Unfortunately, I really believe that this 'whacking' that I am doing to my head is giving me some serious brain damage. I have lost a lot of patience; I am dissatisfied with everything that I do; I am unsure about a lot of things; I am always behind; I forget the important things in my life; and on top of all that, I am now sick (well I've been sick for about a week now, but it got worse last night).
Because I have been so focused on everything that is negative, that is all I am getting. Everything that seems to be happening in my life all seems to be negative and it depressing me way out! I have been trying desperately to fix everything because I don't like the way everything is, but as I said earlier I feel like I am giving myself brain damage. The more I try the harder I hit. Whatever though. If I focus on the positive, maybe things will get better. Hopefully. *crossed fingers*
I have not written in a very long time about something that is on my mind or whatnot. However, I have been coming to view myself in such new light, and have been having such a hard time with life, that I need to say something- anything- or else I just might go crazy.
I have come to realize that it is important to be balanced in your life. I have no balance right now, and because I am trying to balance it out I keep loosing control and whack my head on the ground a lot. Unfortunately, I really believe that this 'whacking' that I am doing to my head is giving me some serious brain damage. I have lost a lot of patience; I am dissatisfied with everything that I do; I am unsure about a lot of things; I am always behind; I forget the important things in my life; and on top of all that, I am now sick (well I've been sick for about a week now, but it got worse last night).
Because I have been so focused on everything that is negative, that is all I am getting. Everything that seems to be happening in my life all seems to be negative and it depressing me way out! I have been trying desperately to fix everything because I don't like the way everything is, but as I said earlier I feel like I am giving myself brain damage. The more I try the harder I hit. Whatever though. If I focus on the positive, maybe things will get better. Hopefully. *crossed fingers*
February 29, 2008
Life and Reasons
It has been a long time since I have posted anything on my blog. I guess it's because I have no time to even think. You may laugh at this, but the thing is I am too busy for myself. I am taking 16 credit hours (and the classes are kickin' me hard), a lot of church work, and a little time to share with some roommates or friends. That's why I have had no ideas and why I am so unhappy. But I have been working on it, and I know that I am the only one in control of my attitude.
February 27, 2007
Respect
I suppose this could just be me, but I believe that respect is a virtue that has been moved farther and farther back on the burner. How disappointed I am in individuals that I hold in high esteem show disrespect for others. The pain that I have when I see someone doing this is near unbearable, but oh the pain when one directs the disrespect towards me. Life is a hard enough struggle, but to have someone that belittles you from disrespect is just another load of suffering... Be respectful! Even if you can't stand the individual, show a little respect and acknowledge their existence as a human being. Don't make the burden someone else carries more difficult than it already is.
February 12, 2007
Introduce yourself
I have been a pretty withdrawn person in my life. My routine was to speak to those whom I already had an acquaintance with and avoid conversing with anyone else. It took me many years to realize how silly bashfulness is (I don't say that to offend). Some of my high school regrets come from this ridiculous attribute. Fortunately I have the future to look forward to, and hopefully I will be able to put this characteristic behind me.
One day in high school my friend took the opportunity to go and introduce herself to another student that was new to the area (because my hometown area was so small new students were easy to pick out). This simple act has always astounded me. Friendships are made after introduction, and my friend was quick to begin another.
Graduation was one of the most fun times of my life (that includes the Senior Trek). It was also the most difficult time for realizations. The biggest regret I had hit me while practicing for graduation night. I had the great opportunity to sit next to one of my best friends. However, on the other side of me was a guy that I did not know well and rarely said anything to. I tried to be cordial as I would when talking to anybody, but he was the better. The young man is paralyzed from a car accident, but he still had great manners and was more willing to be friendly. He teased that if his legs were in the way to just kick them back over because it wouldn't hurt. I laughed at his joke, and was happy that he considered me as a friend. Right then I realized I had missed out on one friendship. Who knows how many opportunities I had passed up.
So, it has been my goal to make sure I am more outgoing and introduce myself whenever possible. I have even been on a date with a friend who got upset with me because I took the opportunity to introduce myself before he could perform the introductions. Maybe it was rude of me to do that, but I have come to believe that it is better that I just go forth. I also find that if I am open to people I have more fun and enjoy myself a lot more.
Now, I am not perfect... I realized that I don't always talk to people easily, but I know that I will get better as time goes on. I am not going to let go of the opportunity I've been given to meet other people... I will try to warm up to other people as quickly as I can.
One day in high school my friend took the opportunity to go and introduce herself to another student that was new to the area (because my hometown area was so small new students were easy to pick out). This simple act has always astounded me. Friendships are made after introduction, and my friend was quick to begin another.
Graduation was one of the most fun times of my life (that includes the Senior Trek). It was also the most difficult time for realizations. The biggest regret I had hit me while practicing for graduation night. I had the great opportunity to sit next to one of my best friends. However, on the other side of me was a guy that I did not know well and rarely said anything to. I tried to be cordial as I would when talking to anybody, but he was the better. The young man is paralyzed from a car accident, but he still had great manners and was more willing to be friendly. He teased that if his legs were in the way to just kick them back over because it wouldn't hurt. I laughed at his joke, and was happy that he considered me as a friend. Right then I realized I had missed out on one friendship. Who knows how many opportunities I had passed up.
So, it has been my goal to make sure I am more outgoing and introduce myself whenever possible. I have even been on a date with a friend who got upset with me because I took the opportunity to introduce myself before he could perform the introductions. Maybe it was rude of me to do that, but I have come to believe that it is better that I just go forth. I also find that if I am open to people I have more fun and enjoy myself a lot more.
Now, I am not perfect... I realized that I don't always talk to people easily, but I know that I will get better as time goes on. I am not going to let go of the opportunity I've been given to meet other people... I will try to warm up to other people as quickly as I can.
February 3, 2007
Trust me; I trust you
One night, after viewing a late showing of Rocky Balboa, my roommates discovered the joy in trying all the youthful mind games on me. Of course I enjoyed relaxing and meditating, but I as well as all of my roommates were surprised at how well these silly games worked on me. I found the whole thing quite hilarious, but I was quite surprised when someone exclaimed that I trusted other people easily. I had talked to another friend about trusting people just a week or so before, and the recurrence of the topic set me to thinking. I brought it back up a little while later and one of my roommates assured me that the reason I was easily influenced was because I was 'open' to things. I can understand how that works, but I continued thinking about trust and wondering if I'm too trusting of other people.
A quote that comes to my mind when thinking about trust (this is weird that I actually remember this one, but I contemplated putting it in my graduation speech) was quoted by Frank Crane. He said, "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." How much I have thought about this statement, and I have come to accept it as my belief of trust.
Many times in life we are fooled- have the wool pulled over our eyes. A trusting person is the most likely to be fooled or deceived easily, but a true friend will not be unkind enough to test this of the person. On the other hand, not trusting a person enough can be the mistake of the person who is doing the trusting. Trust is key in any friendship, but how easily trust can be lost by either person in the party. Not having the confidence of a friend is painful, and having someone take advantage of you is hurtful. Therefore, Frank Crane was correct.
I am willing to accept what others may say making me a very open person. Personally, I have come to trust anyone so long as they don't provide me with a reason not to. But, if given a reason to distrust an individual, I know I am unwilling to believe them again. I'm positive my trust is hard to regain back. I probably won't bestow my acceptance on a being so willingly if they have already misled or hurt me.
Now, I understand that many will consider me to be a foolish idiot to trust in other people so willingly, but I have come to realize that this is the way to find out if the person is a true friend or not.
A quote that comes to my mind when thinking about trust (this is weird that I actually remember this one, but I contemplated putting it in my graduation speech) was quoted by Frank Crane. He said, "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." How much I have thought about this statement, and I have come to accept it as my belief of trust.
Many times in life we are fooled- have the wool pulled over our eyes. A trusting person is the most likely to be fooled or deceived easily, but a true friend will not be unkind enough to test this of the person. On the other hand, not trusting a person enough can be the mistake of the person who is doing the trusting. Trust is key in any friendship, but how easily trust can be lost by either person in the party. Not having the confidence of a friend is painful, and having someone take advantage of you is hurtful. Therefore, Frank Crane was correct.
I am willing to accept what others may say making me a very open person. Personally, I have come to trust anyone so long as they don't provide me with a reason not to. But, if given a reason to distrust an individual, I know I am unwilling to believe them again. I'm positive my trust is hard to regain back. I probably won't bestow my acceptance on a being so willingly if they have already misled or hurt me.
Now, I understand that many will consider me to be a foolish idiot to trust in other people so willingly, but I have come to realize that this is the way to find out if the person is a true friend or not.
February 1, 2007
Who really cares?
I have come to realize that a commonly used phrase among my generation, and this includes myself, is, "I don't care." (Another common form of this phrase is, "It doesn't matter." I say this to clarify if I use this phrase in replace of the first.) I happened to say this to one of my roommates just the other evening, then just as a side note, I also said, "I say that a lot. I guess I don't ever care enough." The situation in which I expressed this was a truthful use of, "I don't care," but the afterthought got me to thinking. Do people really care? My response to this question is yes.
There are many individuals that would step out of the way for anyone! I believe that these people will be more disposed to say, "I don't care," to please those around them. Perhaps once in a while the person who is stepping aside will, in all actuality, have an opinion or care about what happens. Using the phrase, "I don't care," in this situation is one major way to avoid having to deal with any disputes or differences in opinion. I know that if I use this reason I don't want to hurt a relationship that I have or make the other person feel as if they have done wrong. Once I make a friendship, I want to keep the friendship. Not letting some disputation even arise is a simple way to do so. I feel almost as if I must accommodate my feelings for the sake of others, and that doesn't bother me.
Perhaps, the greatest reason why someone would reply with, "I don't care," when they really do is fear. No one likes to be caught off guard, and a simple remedy is to act as if it didn't really matter. In a sense this fear deals with a person's pride. The matter has become personal to the offended, but instead of going out on a limb with truth, they "don't care." Feelings and emotions are then concealed and the offender doesn't know what they may have done. So, replying in this manner is a form of protecting one's self. A mask- or persona- hides what the offended may be feeling.
I have made it my personal goal not to cover up the way I feel with a simple, "I don't care." However, I realize that I will probably say it again in my life. It has become a reflex for me to say this just to maintain an even tone in the conversation. My feelings are difficult for even me to understand, and I find that I require time to contemplate the information or action before giving a logical response that is not bitter or unkind. So, the purpose of saying, "I don't care," is to protect one or the other person in the conversation. Maybe, if it's right, make sure the person is OK with everything.
There are many individuals that would step out of the way for anyone! I believe that these people will be more disposed to say, "I don't care," to please those around them. Perhaps once in a while the person who is stepping aside will, in all actuality, have an opinion or care about what happens. Using the phrase, "I don't care," in this situation is one major way to avoid having to deal with any disputes or differences in opinion. I know that if I use this reason I don't want to hurt a relationship that I have or make the other person feel as if they have done wrong. Once I make a friendship, I want to keep the friendship. Not letting some disputation even arise is a simple way to do so. I feel almost as if I must accommodate my feelings for the sake of others, and that doesn't bother me.
Perhaps, the greatest reason why someone would reply with, "I don't care," when they really do is fear. No one likes to be caught off guard, and a simple remedy is to act as if it didn't really matter. In a sense this fear deals with a person's pride. The matter has become personal to the offended, but instead of going out on a limb with truth, they "don't care." Feelings and emotions are then concealed and the offender doesn't know what they may have done. So, replying in this manner is a form of protecting one's self. A mask- or persona- hides what the offended may be feeling.
I have made it my personal goal not to cover up the way I feel with a simple, "I don't care." However, I realize that I will probably say it again in my life. It has become a reflex for me to say this just to maintain an even tone in the conversation. My feelings are difficult for even me to understand, and I find that I require time to contemplate the information or action before giving a logical response that is not bitter or unkind. So, the purpose of saying, "I don't care," is to protect one or the other person in the conversation. Maybe, if it's right, make sure the person is OK with everything.
January 30, 2007
Family & Hero
My family has been an amazingly HUGE influence in my life. A lot of teenagers don’t want to hang around their family… ever… However, I love to be with my family. My mom is crazy, but way fun! My dad is a good advocate in whatever my brother and I do. My little brother has been my friend since we were little and would make ant houses out of Legos (it’s true! we did that). My half siblings are amazing too! My older brother just returned from an LDS mission in Texas, and what an example he has been to all of us. My sister is wonderful too! She has a great personality that makes her the sweetest person alive! She also has a hubby and two cute, cuter than life, little boys! It’s always fun to hang out with them.
But it's not just my immediate family that I love. I have a very close extended family on my mother's side of the family. As I have already mentioned, my mother is crazy, and she gets that from her side of the family. I love the wacky relations that I have. All my uncles are wacky, and all of my aunts are amazingly talented: one is a great seamstress another, a scrapbooker! My cousins are great friends, and our relationships have grown a lot since we were little.
Then, above all of these I have someone who is so dear to my heart! He is currently 91 years old and is the sweetest person I know… My great grandfather is my biggest hero in the world. I couldn’t always say that because when I was littler I never realized the importance of actually being acquainted with him. But as I grew older I realized that I was so blessed! I have heard him tell stories of his life with my great grandma (who has recently passed away) and experiences he has had. How amazing it is to know that this bent figure held high jump records at one point in his life.
My grandfather is a very large man… quite the opposite of my great grandmother who was only about 5 foot… but the bigger he is the more love he has for the family. I’m unsure of my grandfather’s height, but I know that he was tall (why I didn't inherit that trait, I don't know). He was a strong man too. However, my great grandfather is a sweetie! Every time I go home, I have to visit him just so I can give this man a hug. There’s no better feeling in the entire world than hugging a 91 year old, giant man that tells you he loves you. I also have a confession… I have held hands with only one man in my life… and he just happens to be this 91 year old grandfather of mine. How hard the death of my great grandmother must be for him still- my only wish for him now is that he will find comfort in his other family relationships until he is reunited with his love again.
But it's not just my immediate family that I love. I have a very close extended family on my mother's side of the family. As I have already mentioned, my mother is crazy, and she gets that from her side of the family. I love the wacky relations that I have. All my uncles are wacky, and all of my aunts are amazingly talented: one is a great seamstress another, a scrapbooker! My cousins are great friends, and our relationships have grown a lot since we were little.
Then, above all of these I have someone who is so dear to my heart! He is currently 91 years old and is the sweetest person I know… My great grandfather is my biggest hero in the world. I couldn’t always say that because when I was littler I never realized the importance of actually being acquainted with him. But as I grew older I realized that I was so blessed! I have heard him tell stories of his life with my great grandma (who has recently passed away) and experiences he has had. How amazing it is to know that this bent figure held high jump records at one point in his life.
My grandfather is a very large man… quite the opposite of my great grandmother who was only about 5 foot… but the bigger he is the more love he has for the family. I’m unsure of my grandfather’s height, but I know that he was tall (why I didn't inherit that trait, I don't know). He was a strong man too. However, my great grandfather is a sweetie! Every time I go home, I have to visit him just so I can give this man a hug. There’s no better feeling in the entire world than hugging a 91 year old, giant man that tells you he loves you. I also have a confession… I have held hands with only one man in my life… and he just happens to be this 91 year old grandfather of mine. How hard the death of my great grandmother must be for him still- my only wish for him now is that he will find comfort in his other family relationships until he is reunited with his love again.
September 25, 2006
Life
Well now that I have the ridiculous assignments for my class finished, I can go ahead and say what I want to! I just want to tell all the world that life is what you make it out to be... If you are ornery, of course the world will beat you up. If you cannot sleep, of course the world will make you miserable by thinking of your falts. The truth is easy. No one is perfect!!!! I have spent a lot of my life trying to be so, but I find that it is just nice to relax and enjoy the ride... Now I am not saying that a person needs to do everything and anything 'bad' that they can (I put bad in quotations because it is different for all of us), but I believe that if one looks at a situtation and realizes that life is going to happen (whether embarssing or not) and that person has to take hold of what they can and swing around with it! It's so easy to get in a rut and look at things pessimisticly, but I enjoy a challenge, and if you do here's one: Don't get caught in the same routine! Spice it up! Life will look a lot better if you can laugh at yourself. I find I am a ridiculous freak!!! But who really cares? I am sure you don't!
Have you ever heard the phrase, "Everybody hates me, nobody likes me, guess I'll eat some worms."? Well if you have and you feel that this applies to you... do it. Go eat a nice juicy, slimy worm. Then when you are done think about it......... If you laugh at yourself you understand what I am trying to explain.
Have you ever heard the phrase, "Everybody hates me, nobody likes me, guess I'll eat some worms."? Well if you have and you feel that this applies to you... do it. Go eat a nice juicy, slimy worm. Then when you are done think about it......... If you laugh at yourself you understand what I am trying to explain.
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